The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

So it may be cliche, it may be over used but it is also true.

The apple does not fall from the tree.

Who can really argue with that statement. Have you ever seen an apple come flying off the tree and sail a block or two? I mean, MAYBE, if a tree was on top of a hill the apple may fall and roll a good distance away. But then it still didn't FALL far from the tree, it ROLLED far from the tree.

And I think the cliche is just as true. It makes me crazy sometimes because of how true it is. You see the things that make me the craziest when it comes to my kids are parts of me, my attitude or my short comings staring me back in the face. It seems its also true when I consider myself as the apple. I think I MIGHT, just might be a tad like my mom. I don't begin to assert that I am half as strong as she is. But I do seem to have the same sort of defence mechanisms. My mom is the queen of "I'm fine!" It was starting to make me a little mad. Not that I wanted her to not be fine, but clearly she isn't FINE! So why couldn't she just share that. Why does she feel the need to bear all this burden on her own? And then recently I've begun to see that if I look honestly at myself, I can be a bit like that myself. While I'm clearly NOT fine with everything that's going, I continue to tell everyone that I am. My worst days will yield a "we're hangin in there." when asked how our fmaily is doing. But if I'm being honest, especially in the last week, I'm really not. I mean, I'm still functioning. I'm still focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and making the most of each day. But on the inside, I'm NOT fine. I guess in the long term I know I will be fine. I KNOW where my mom is going and that provides some peace. But truly for today I am NOT fine with what she's going through. But because of who I am, I feel the need to BE fine. I have some amazing friends and church family who are constantly asking what they can do. But if I'm being honest, if there WAS something, I wouldn't be able to ask for the help, let alone actually LET someone do something for me. Apparently my mom raised a child who, like her is too strong to accept help.

I'm often jealous of people who seem to have outpourings of love and support when life throws them bad times. But the truth is, that I am just as loved. I just can't bring myself to let others DO for me.

As the days pass my ability to say I'm fine is waining. My protective shell is wearing thin and being to crack. And probably because of the internet (have I mentioned I heart facebook) and the ability to share emotions without looking someone in the eye, I have shared just a bit of how I'm truly feeling. And because of that, those who care are reaching out. I've been priding myself on the fact that people should be able to talk to me without any fear of me breaking down. But today, that theory went out the window. An amazing friend from church came over to me and gave me a big hug. Then asked me how I was doing. When I said I was doing ok. She just looked me in the eyes and told me it was ok to NOT be ok. And the tears, they started coming. And of course I feel guilty, but it is what it is. For day, I'm ok NOT being fine. My mom's NOT fine. And she deserves to be fine. But I'm sure we'll both keep going, being "fine" as much as we possibly can!