Jan 7, 2010

A tough nut to crack?

A shell. A wall. I've heard more than a few ways to refer to it. But however you slice it, it means you are not able to let people in, right? That you make it hard (or sometimes impossible) for to know the real you.

I have never considered myself to have a shell or a wall. I think I'll be asking for some others opinions just to be sure. But I have felt awfully odd for the last several months. You see, I lost one of the most special people in my life. Not to put order to anyone or anything but my mom was without a doubt in the top 5 and for what is still a majority of my life was #1. There were a few teenage years where I tortured her and thought she was completely clueless, but aside from that she was always my best friend in addition to my mom. Not to say we didn't have our disagreements, we certainly did. But she was the one person that I always felt I could go to for help. And that's saying a lot since I really don't ask for help. Maybe that's part of this perceived 'shell' but I consider it personal strength. I have issue with bothering others with my problems.
But, I'm getting off point. My mom has been my one constant. As other relationships have come and gone, despite any issues, ours has remained.

So as I began to stare the real possibility of losing her in the face, I wondered what that would do to me. I envisioned a whole lot of scenarios. But I don't think I envisioned the way I've actually felt. I've had a few really hard days. Watching her suffer was heartbreaking. Praying for her release from suffering was gut wrenching. Leaving "her" at the cemetery, the act of actually walking away from her physical body was excruciating. To the point that I was embarrassed by myself when I finally gained composure and realized how many people were still standing there, watching me, waiting for me. But then in the coming days, I didn't know what I felt. Or if I felt anything at all. About a month later, I had several days of immense pain. I felt like I was realizing all the things that we would be missing her at. Realizing all the things Bryan would never get the chance to do with her and how he'd never really know for himself what an amazing person she was. Then I went back to feeling...not much. There are small things that make me break down a little. But for the most part, truly and really I don't know how or why I have simply kept going as I have. But the honest to God truth is, what you see is what you get. I don't have some shell keeping people from seeing the real me. This is the real me. Does it seem surreal or almost cold, maybe, I know I wonder about myself. But it's me. It's the way my mom raised me to be. Got my big girl panties on and just keepin on keepin on. For I know no other way. One foot in front of the other, hoping for the best and doing what needs to be done. For better or worse that's me.
Yes, my mind tells me I should be a weepy mess. Not able to get out of bed. And some days I do struggle but who doesn't. But that's just not who I am. At least not right now. I chalk it up to the prayers of all my amazing friends and family. I'm pretty sure I am not that strong along. But I truly feel the power of the verse, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Keeping going is what my mom would want. It's what's necessary for my kids. So it's what I do.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss...
    I think all the feelings you have are normal. Grief is such a complicated process and can cause strange feelings and reactions.
    I pray that as time passes the good memories will be more and more present in your heart and cover up the pain.


Thanks for leaving me a comment!!