Oct 28, 2010

Not Much Changes

It's surprising how little really changes in a year.  The post below was right one week, to the day, after my mom passed and it tells of a variety of different types of days I had had.  And here, one year later and while the normal days heavily outweigh the truly bad days, little else had changed.  Some days I literally feel like I can't breath.  Some days I'd like to hide.  Others, I have completely embraced denial to get through.  And others, thankfully many, I am simply at peace.  I know that it is not fair that my mom suffered the way she did or that my youngest child will never have his own real memories of his beautiful grandmother, but that we are still blessed.  We are blessed to have known her.  We are blessed to have all that we still have, including each other.  And I know that I am truly blessed to have been given an amazing friend, who is by no means a replacement for my mom, but who helps fill the hole that she left as my best friend.  As things tend to do, I was given just want I needed, just when I needed it most. 
Here is the post from a year ago:

I breathe in and breathe out....

for several weeks I've felt like I was just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep going.  This week, it's more like remembering to breathe in and out.  I really didn't feel much from the day my beautiful mother passed all the way through her wake.  Well, I lie, I felt a lot during her wake, tired, sore and loved.  But I wasn't REALLY feeling!  Monday morning, though, was raw and honest.  I felt the pain and the loss, in a way I was beginning to wonder if I ever would.  My husband was clearly becoming worried about me as I'd obviously not let it out.  But despite my ability to stand in front of a large group of family and friends and share a poem that she'd pick, along with a short prayer Timmy had written, I was a wreck.  And still today...my head is a mess.  Yesterday, I went back to work.  I worked slowly, very slowly, in hopes of not making any critical errors.  Today I was home and making critical errors of another kind.
Our family is being surrounded by love and having some practical needs met with amazing dinners brought by friends.  I never really understood the point of bringing food before.  I do now.  It's amazing how hard it is to function even at the most basic levels when you're just trying to wrap your mind around such a great loss.
Yes, I know my mom is in a better place.  She is finally set free of her pain and suffering.  She deserves that after fighting so hard for so long.  But I am lost without her.  I am heartbroken that Bryan will likely never remember what an amazing grandmother he had beyond what we'll be sure to tell him regularly.  And I'm worried about my other two and how they're handling this.  Timmy had drawn many pictures and written the prayer.  And both boys handed out approximately 200 pink ribbons over 2 days to those who attended the wake and funeral.  It was pretty cool to watch actually.  And we ran out.  But it made them feel like they were really apart of the whole process.  But Johnny has come to me and told me he was sad and just sat and snuggled.  Timmy doesn't want talk about it and wouldn't even let me hug him during the funeral!  But we'll be here for each other and I'm sure we'll each get through it, in our time, in our way!  Getting through each day by remembering to breathe in and breathe out.


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