When It All Comes Crashing Down

OK, technically nothing came crashing down...but crashing WAS involved.  I don't think I have mentioned it directly here but just over two weeks ago my husband moved out. We'd had the talk a while and he made the decision weeks ago but it all came to a head one night and he left abruptly. 
He had talked to the boys previously to let them know he planned to leave but we fought and he left after they were asleep one night.  Johnny was actually away at camp when it happened and the other boys told him in the car before I had the chance to properly sit him down and talk.  He is my super emotional one and while he has yet to talk about it at all...he is lashing out. A LOT!

Last night was no exception.  When I went to pick them up after work he told me that he hadn't had lunch.  He'd refused lunch saying he wasn't hungry. But in the car on the way to T-Ball he repeatedly whined that he was....STARVING.  So I took out a few dollars so he could run in to the rec center and get a snack but as he got out of the car something happened and he punched Bryan, 4...HARD.  So I took back the money and told him he wouldn't die in the 45 minutes it would take for the game.  He went ballistic.  He tried punching me. Then took of his shoes and chucked them at my car.  Picked one up and beat on the hood of my car with it.  He yelled, screamed and beat on the bleachers with a stick.  He made the rounds back to try to hit and kick me again.  All the while I'm trying to keep the other boys (and others as they arrived) out of harms way AND get the team ready for the game since I'm the assistant coach and the other coach was stuck at a meeting for work.  As the game started, he collected rocks and threw them at me whenever I was within reach.

As the game wrapped up, Timmy had planned to go to his friends house for a bit and they invited all the boys over. When I told them Johnny could NOT go because of his behavior he flipped out again.  I was able to get him into the car, though not without some resistance.  But he continued screaming, telling me he hated me and that I was 'the worst.'  As I made my way down the road he began screaming at and punching his brother.

The stress of the last hour or so overwhelmed me and for just a brief moment I was not able to think clearly enough to safely drive...that's all it took.  One quick loss of clarity and I crashed my car directly into the side of an SUV.  Thankfully, no one was hurt. Though my car is badly damaged and the SUV will need some work. 

Our friends were not far behind us and pulled over to check on us.  I lost it there on the side of the street. Every bit of the stress of the last two weeks poured down my cheeks.  I LOVE my kids. I will do ANYTHING for them and I know they are going through a horrible change in their lives but I was not at all prepared for the amount of anger that would be hurled at me, the one left to handle them alone.  I have been proud of how we've managed up to this point.  The fighting between the boys has increased and their defiance with me has as well, but for the most part I FELT like I was holding it together. Getting up everyone morning and being more productive than I have in a long time.  But standing there looking at my broken car, I realized how completely broken I really feel.

In the hours following the accident I was flooded with love from my friends.  The one who was with us, took the boys to her house for several hours so I could deal with the police, then the insurance then just unwind for a bit and take a shower as the soreness set in.  Another friend brought over Ibuprofen as there was none in our house and my car was undrivable.  Another stopped by to talk to me and make sure I was OK after hearing how I'd broken down on the side of the road and assured me that I NEEDED to let them help me more.  She told me that she'd seen some positive changes in the boys in just the last couple weeks and that this accident was just a small hiccup.Another friend called and suggested that maybe this was God's not so subtle way of bringing me to the point that I could no longer refuse to admit that I need help.   To humble me and allow me to let in those who love and care about the boys and I.   And many many more texted and left comments on my facebook page.  This morning after the tow truck took my banged up car away, the boys and I were picked up and taken to pick up a rental car.

Today I feel battered and bruised, more emotionally than physically.  But I am overwhelmed by the amount of love that has been shown to me in the last 24 hours.  This really was the last thing I needed but I am so grateful for all the support I have!!  I know that it is because of the people in our lives that I will be able to pick up, move on and continue to make a better life for the boys and I.