Happy Unanniversary

Well it's here. Today is my nine year wedding anniversary.  There will be no romantic dinner this year.  Having been separated for several months now, I was sort of dreading this day. 
But while all is not right, we have decided to slowly...very slowly, do some work and see. See if we can make things better.  I know I deserve better. I deserve more than the way it was.
And yes we've been down a similar road before.  But changes were made and many things did get better before.  So MAYBE, just maybe if we take a little more time, invest a little more and want it a little more, maybe it can be what we both deserve.
Only time will tell.  It's been a rollercoaster.  And I know some friends will be wishing I wasn't hopping back on.  But I can't bring myself to walk away, not without giving it one last chance.  
So we've opened the door. We've started talking.  We will be looking into therapy.  And we will be, at least for now, keeping the kids out of this as to not confuse them!

Have you gone through a separation? How did it turn out? Any insight for us?

Sometimes I Miss

I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, possibly just because I'm constantly trying to convince myself but I really do think that getting divorced is the best thing for everyone involved.  I think its healthier for my kids and myself.  But that doesn't mean it's easy.  It doesn't mean I never have doubts.  And it definitely doesn't mean there aren't things I miss having.

I really miss having someone around after the kids go to bed.  Having someone to torture with my taste in ridiculous reality TV.  I miss having someone to cuddle with.  I miss having an extra set of hands...adult hands, ones that (typically) pick up more messes than they make as opposed to the kids who seem to compound them mess even when they are TRYING to be helpful.  I miss having an extra set of eyes to watch the kids.  I miss having someone be truly glad to spend time with me, to kiss goodnight, and hello.  I really just miss feeling truly loved and appreciated.

And apparently sometimes I miss some of these things enough that I will even Facebook them...I swear I hadn't been drinking but I woke up this morning and was surprised by responses to my status I had completely forgotten I had posted at about midnight which safely falls into the over-sharing category I am quickly becoming known for.

The ironic part of this, I really never got most of the things I miss on a consistent basis anyway...

So maybe its less missing something I've lost as longing for something I've always wanted....

The UnRomantic Anniversary Post

Today, we celebrate our 7th anniversary!

It's a far cry from the 50 years my in laws have celebrated or the 20+ both my parents celebrated (each in their second marriages) but yet I see ours worth many times more than our "mere" 7 years together in wisdom. We've weathered some pretty huge storms.

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We didn't really start on a strong footing. Although he had been separated some time, he was not officially divorced when we began dating. After four months he moved in with me, and within 3 more months we found out we were expecting a baby. Thankfully, the divorce was finalized yet that summer and we were engaged before Timmy was born. However, because I still wanted a traditional wedding we set a date the September of the following year. Having a newborn and planning a wedding was a feat in itself, but before I was even able to purchase a wedding dress I would learn that despite being on the pill, I would need a wedding dress that would fit my 6 month pregnant tummy.

To say that we hadn't exactly followed a biblical family plan, would be a bit of an understatement. Yet, we DID both have a strong faith. When we took those vows, we intended them to be forever. But I never could have imagined how hard life could get. We endured a LOT in those first few years and a point came when I thought I was done. I packed up the kids and spent Christmas away from my husband because I didn't think I could continue living life the way things had gone. But I think fear more than anything convinced me to go back. Almost a whole year went by before I really felt like we were stuck where we'd been, with everyone being miserable, no trust at all left between us and no love at all. The following Thanksgiving I filed for a divorce. I hadn't wanted it to be that way, I come from a family with an unusually long history of divorce and I wanted things to be different, I wanted to break that cycle. But the weight of going on everyday as we had been, had become too much. I felt resolved in my decision and there were very few, if any, people who were disagreeing with me. But husband, had been snapped awake, this was not what he wanted and after taking a few days to absorb it, it began to try to convince me to reconsider. But my mind was made up, I felt we'd tried long enough with no change. So unknown to me, he began to pray. And very slowly, it began to change things. I'm sure it was to the complete dismay of some of my family, but my heart began to change. I opened up to giving us a chance if he was willing to work at it. It was not a quick change, but a long slow road to healing. Things certainly weren't all sunshine and roses, as they never will be. But the wounds that had been there, began to heal and the trust began to return ever so slowly. I won't claim that it's completely back even almost 4 years later, but we have healed enough to be able to say we've made it through the storm.

Our marriage is far from perfect, we argue and we criticize each other. There are days, I don't like him at all, but I still love him. We have been in the lowest of lows but slowly and surely, and not without the help of our faith, we have crawled out of that pit. Sure we still hit an occasional pothole, but if we simply learn to accept that it is all part of doing life together in marriage, we can handle any journey. We hope, and intend, to make a long journey down this bumpy road together and hopefully we will get to enjoy all the scenic stops along the way and not get to discouraged by the detours.

I have heard all too many times from people that a marriage is simply too far gone to save, and while I do want to note that there are somethings that are NOT acceptable in a marriage and no person should have to endure, but short of that I do NOT believe it is EVER to late as long as there is a willingness to want to make it work. The giddiness of new love will fade, and there will be days when we really feel like we don't like our spouses at all. But as a parent I also have days that I don't like my child all too much. Or I don't like the way they are acting really but it doesn't meant I don't LOVE them or that I will disown them.

Top Ten Tuesday, 9/14

In less than a week I will be celebrating my 7th anniversary.  If you haven't been reading my blog very long, you may not think this is a very big milestone but considering where we've come from, we think EVERY year is a milestone!  So in honor of our anniversary I am dedicating this weeks top ten to my hubby!

Top Ten Reason I Love My Husband (most of the time):

1. First of all I have to give him credit for putting up with me as I am not always very easy to live with.  I know, you're shocked, but it IS true. I have been known to experience severe PMS and other random nonexcusable bouts of moodiness.  Not that he doesn't ever react to it or run from it but he always comes back for more and in my book, that's more than half the battle!
2. He is WONDERFUL about letting me have time with my friends.  I know many moms who get very little of this but he is not only ok with it but typically very encouraging of it.  
3. He has been AMAZINGLY patient with me over the last year and a half or so when my mom was very ill and then after her passing.  I'm not usually able to express what I'm feeling out loud, if I even understand it, but he usually understands anyway.  He often knows me better than I know myself and knew the things
4. Without him, I would not have 3 of the cutest kids ever.  Although parenting is often one of our biggest sources of struggle, I am still truly thankful for the gift of my kids!  
5. He is unbelievably supportive of my talents.  He is my biggest cheerleader, who has more faith in me than I usually have in myself.
6. He is one of the most involved dads I know.  He is home full time so he's there more, but he is still genuinely involved in their lives and activities.  He is there for homework and soccer games and just playing catch in the yard.
7. He is someone I can be myself with.  I can be a total dork, and although he will be the first to tell me so, he is a great to spend time with and be silly with.
8. He is one of the most giving people I know.  I'm pretty sure he'd give someone the shirt off his back, even if it'd make me crazy because it was a brand new shirt that I put a lot of thought into. LOL  He will drop everything to help friends and family and while that sometimes causes conflict, it is still an admirable quality.
9. He has done many things to prove his dedication to our family and our marriage.  Things haven't always been easy, but when it really counted he stepped up and made the changes and did the work that needed to be done for our family to be able to stay together.
10. I love that he has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  I think without this, we would have been done awhile ago!