"Talking" it out

While I know I have wandered a bit from my orgininal intention of this blog, it still really is about having a place to preserve the memories. I originally planned for it to be a window into our life for the family we don't get to see regularly but with that mind set came an attempt to keep up some phony version of our happy little life. Not saying, our life isn't perfect, for us. Obviously it is what God has for us, for now, and in that way it must be perfect. But I stink at any attempt to be June Cleaver-like. So, as I often do, I gave up on trying to hide the dust bunnies (or dust elephants) even in my blog. I hope that this real, heart on my sleeve approach is a better read but at the very least, its a much better thing to write. The occasional hiccup does come when I have to consider the thoughts and feelings of those who may be affected by what I share but it is my hope that they will always read my writing knowing that my intentions are not ever to harm. But it is amazing the release that comes with getting it out, there on the "paper" in black and white. And maybe, in some way or someday, something I write will help someone else who's climbing the same mountains I have or trudging through the same mucky swamp our family has.

It is with that thought in mind today that I share what's on my mind and heart.

Today I am scared. My mom was also at the birthday party we attended this weekend and was ever as strong and couragous as always. Never one to want to worry anyone else, she puts on her brave face and musters strength and dignity beyond comprehension. She is able to look amazing and convince everyone she is feeling well. But it comes at a cost for her. She over draws from herself and eventually must give into the sickness and fatigue. This is the part she works hard to keep from everyone. I wish she didn't feel that she had to do this, but that is how she copes and I must respect that. It seems that she has been having some troubles breathing but it fighting hard against going on Oxygen, despite the doctors recommendation. I'm not sure I understand it, but again, I respect and support it. For how am I possibly able to understand the thoughts and feelings she is going through? I know she is often worried about scaring or worring others. And today I have to admit, I am scared. I'm scared of the unknown, for her and for those of us who love her. I'm scared that things will change too quickly and we won't have time to say proper goodbyes. I'm scared that things will change to slowly and she will suffer too long. I'm scared that she will not reach out when she needs it. I'm scared that I won't reach out when needed. I'm scared that there will be hard choices that no one wants to make. I'm scared that I may stay too wrapped up in the day to day of having a family and miss a last opportunity.

There are so many unknowns in a situation such as this. But there are two things I do KNOW.

1. That is that God is stead fast and true. He is fully in control of this situation and we can trust that he is there for us.
2. And that my mom is an amazing, lovely, beautiful and strong woman who will be with us always, no matter what happens. And that because of her strength and grave I know that all of those who love her have been blessed beyong measure.

To my mom~
I only hope you truly know how much you are loved, respected and admired. No matter what tomorrow brings, please know we are here for you no matter what you need! I LOVE YOU!!