Jun 21, 2012

I'm NOT an Inspiration

Fat, pudgy, curvy, overweight, plus size, thick, wide-load.  These are just a few of the names I'm used to being called or calling myself by.  

I am NOT an inspiration.  Don't get me wrong, I love when you tell me that I am.  But not because I believe it, not for a minute, but because the fat chick inside me (oh who am I kidding she's still clearly visible on the outside too) she lives every her life knowing that if she can make a difference in just one life, that will be enough.

I am NOT an inspiration. I still weight 279 pounds after losing 50. (Feel free to do the math, its a number I am hugely ashamed of but if it can make one person feel better about themselves, its worth it.) I am still technically morbidly obese.  Suggested weight for a female of 5'11'' vary some but the average top end of the range is about 175.  

I am NOT an inspiration.  My goal weight is 199.  Someone questioned why that was ALL I wanted to lose.  But I'd be beyond f-ing happy to be 25 pounds over weight.  My inner fat chick, refuses to give up occasional treats or live in the gym to fit some medical chart ideal.

I am NOT an inspiration. I have days when getting out of bed to workout is simply beyond me.  I slam the alarm off and sleep for two extra hours.  When I do make it I feel amazing, when I don't I feel guilty.

I am NOT an inspiration.  I still take my kids to McDonald's about once a week and make processed crap for dinner.  I work full time, we have a crazy schedule and I HATE to cook!  But I buy a TON more fresh fruits and veggies now. I actually ENJOY a good salad and so do my kids.

I am NOT an inspiration.  I signed up to do a 5K and finally attempted to walk this on the treadmill this week.  I barely made it half way and my shins still hurt two days later.

I am NOT an inspiration.  I am a fat girl who has spent her entire life dealing with her emotions, good bad or otherwise, with food.  I am a mom who let herself get too unhealthy to do the things she wanted with her kids and FINALLY said 'Enough!'

I am NOT an inspiration. I am just a girl who's spent her life letting fear control her.  Fear of failure, fear of the unknown and fear of what others will think.  I'm just a girl who became too afraid of what would happen if I didn't try to worry about the rest.

I am NOT an inspiration. I am the daughter of a victim of breast cancer who spent years knowing that her weight only made her crazy high risk rate even higher.  Selfishly putting off doing something to change that despite having three very noisy reasons not to wait another minute.

I am NOT an inspiration.  I am an unbelievably lucky person who is surrounded by friends and family who have been kind and supportive the last 5 months as I work to slowly undo a lifetime worth of damage.

I am NOT an inspiration. I am an addict. I was, am and always will be addicted to food. As with any addict, this will never change.  I might not have to sneak into a dark alley to feed my addiction, or fear arrest but my addiction is just as ugly and damaging to my body.

I am NOT an inspiration but I would LOVE to walk along side of you if you are on this same journey to get and stay healthy.  It's really about so much more than just the food and the exercise.  It's about learning to be ok with who I am, fat or not.  And I am so thankful for all of those people in my life who are there to cheer me on.

I am NOT an inspiration but I will gladly cheer you too!!

Edited to add:
Thanks for the kind words but this was NOT meant to be a plea for affirmation.  This pouring out of my heart was really about hoping that those who struggle would understand they aren't alone.  That ANYONE can do this if they want to.  I don't want people to feel like I am some amazingly strong person for doing this. I am beaten and broken too. But its all about forward progress. If you are wanting to make a change, stop letting others or yourself convince you that you CAN'T because if I can do this...YOU CAN DO THIS!


  1. Lisa, you ARE an inspiration to all of those women who think they are too far beyond gone to make a change in their lives. There are women the same weight you were 50 pounds ago that sit there and think "Why bother" when it comes to weight loss and YOU are the inspiration to show them that the weight can come off without giving up EVERYTHING they love.

    I am struggling to lose weight, too. I do it because my daughters have been learning so much about healthy food and healthy living and I was showing them terrible examples. I want them to have a healthy relationship with food - one that I've never had. We're working on it day by day.

    You CAN get down to 199 or whatever weight you want! Once you've seen yourself lose 50 lbs you clearly know that you've got the ability to do it!

    Good luck!!

  2. It is so easy to beat yourself into the corner. My brain constantly tells me that I am no good and I have nothing to offer to the world. It's a safety mechanism, because your brain wants you to be comfortable, even if it means comfortably on the couch with potato chips in front of the TV. You just became an inspiration to so many that were afraid to face themselves - You said all these things load and clear. You gave yourself and so many others reason WHY they have to change. Sure, the routine work is difficult and that is why you need others fighting the same fight - people that will kick your butt when you're down and give you a shoulder to cry on when you feel that you need one. I love your honesty and will be happy to talk along with you

  3. Like the ladies before me said, you ARE an inspiration! Instead of looking at all the "bad" stuff, you need to refocus your energy into the positive side. You ARE making an effort to go to the gym when you can. You ARE trying to eat healthier. You ARE aware of your health and want to change it. THAT alone is a huge accomplishment many people don't even get to. I would love to help support you!! I'm here if you ever want to talk.

  4. You are so wrong, you ARE an inspiration. As someone who's struggled with food issues their entire life, it is inspiring to see you want it so badly but to be so realistic about how hard it is. It is not easy for me either. :(

  5. But, you are wrong- you ARE an inspiration.

    Last Friday when things blew up on the brand page, my husband read all of the comments that night. He said "Who is this Lisa? She's really taking up for you!" I said "She is my FRIEND!" and then I went on to tell him how you ARE an inspiration to me, how you've started putting your fears aside and taking care of yourself, how you are helping out with the boys sports teams, how you are working out, how you fight for what you believe in, etc. so whether you believe it or not- you really are an inspiration. You cannot say that you are not, but you have inspired ME.

    Love you beautiful lady!

  6. I understand every word you have typed. I can relate to is so well. I am actually going through so much of it right this moment in my life. But I will say this, WE can do this together. You are already down 50 lbs, what's another 50 right? WE can do this, I have 95-100 I should lose too. You can email me any time or message me on FB. Let's do this together!! And yes you ARE an inspiration.

  7. I beat myself up too and wish I was skinnier and prettier. I totally get where you are coming from, but you know what... YOU ARE an INSPIRATION and so is every other woman (person). We just have to find it within us and embrace it!

  8. Oh girl... Where do I begin? You might feel like you are not an inspiration, but I beg to differ. I feel like I'm walking next to you on this journey along with others and I admire you, am ridiculously proud of you. you are way stronger than you think and I believe you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Your friends will always be there for you, to comfort you, encourage you and to set you straight when you need it! ;)
    I believe when you know better , you do better . Here is to knowing better! Love you! Keep up the good work!

  9. Lisa you are an inspiration,and not only to other women but you are setting a great example to your boys. Oh and you look great!

  10. Oh you are inspiration! You are an inspiration to those three little boys that "Mommy Can" which them means "I can too"! Keep going! You are more amazing than you give yourself credit for ... mommy can, mommy can, mommy can!

  11. Ah, but see? That is what an inspiring person is. A person who is beaten down and can't always force themselves to do it, but still manage to exercise or make better choices in food because they know that it is a long, shitty road to a healthier life. You and my sister inspired me this summer to start exercising and start paying attention to what goes into my body. I am amazed at the willpower it must take for you to have lost 50 pounds because I am a total baby about these damn 15 I've committed to losing. A person who wasn't inspiring would be the person who DIDN'T make a change after years of making less healthy choices.

    I am so happy for you that you are doing this for yourself and for your boys. But the next step is to start admitting that you ARE amazing and that you DO deserve some praise. You are WORTH IT. You are a kind and genuine person who deserves a little praise.

  12. I too think the journey you are taking is an awe inspiring one and I admire your determination to make a change!!

  13. I think the very thing that makes you an inspiration is that you are a real person/woman/mother, and you have felt what many people do in terms of the challenges and struggles, but yet you still manage to keep going! You must give yourself credit for your accomplishments thus far, and keep sharing with others. Lots of people have their own challenges that they face. I get inspiration to continue on and reach for my goals when I hear stories like yours, because that is exactly what convinces me that I can keep working at it - struggles and challenges and all.

  14. Regardless of whether you feel you're an inspiration or not, I think you've done a tremendous job and applaud your effort and commitment. I would be happy to have you walk beside me on my journey.

  15. Lisa, everyone has already said it, but I will say it again. You are truly an inspiration. The fact that you admit these things as a way for others to see they are not alone with these feelings - that is an inspiration.

  16. You have done a fantastic job and are truly showing others that they can too. Way to go!

  17. Oh but Lisa, you inspire me whether you think you are an inspiration or not. I wait each week to see how you are doing. Plus, I know you understand this struggle more than anyone else right now. I look forward to your comments each week on my blog because you inspire me to do better with you. (Now, I may need some handholding next week due to a medication change that *gasp* is making me gain some of my weight back. *cry*)

  18. You don't need to be an inspiration...you're doing this for you! The best reason evah!

  19. Loved when you said "refuses to give up occasional treats or live in the gym to fit some medical chart ideal". AMEN! I'd say its all about balance!

  20. look how inspiring this post was! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and plaster a smile on your face and face your fears! you will be a huge success at this battle!

  21. HUGS to you my Friend. I cried reading this and I just hope you know you are LOVED. Your a great friend and I'm so proud of you for making a difference in your life. It's all about you after all and that's as it should be. Your making your life better and the lives of those handsome young men because with a mom who takes care of her self that only will keep her around for years longer to enjoy them as they grow.

    you say your not an inspiration I say I want to be like you when I grow up. See you in AUGUST!! or maybe sooner who knows...


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